my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
