There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
