I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
