So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
