so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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