what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
