She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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