Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
