I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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