Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
