Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
