I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
