Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
