i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
