Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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