i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
