I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
