man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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