I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
