Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
