Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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