i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
