i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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