I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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