Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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