I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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