Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You dont lie about slip and slides
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
