splinters make it hard to masturbate
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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