Just took my morning after pill in the library
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
