I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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