@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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