I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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