I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Please don't give away my fajitas
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
