i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
