I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
