Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize