Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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