Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
