He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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