Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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