I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
