I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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