Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
