dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
PANTIES FOUND
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