I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
