look no pants
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
