If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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