Umm I'm too high to move.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
