Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
