Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
