P.S. I can't hear my feet
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
