yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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