Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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