im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
